Aaron Opine's Headline Rewind

Headlines from the week of October 10, 2011

The United States of America is now a Dictatorship

Photo by Steve Jurveston

Facing mounting Congressional gridlock, President Obama realized his dream by declaring the United States a dictatorship – of which he is the dictator.  Although toying with the idea since the time of his youthful interactions with Marxist mentors and bringing it into fruition via his cornucopia of regulatory czars, his sagging poll numbers and uncooperative legislature finally pushed him over the edge, “My instruction to…all the advisers sitting around the table is…identify all those areas in which we can act administratively, without additional congressional authorization, and just get it done.”

So much for being a uniter and working with Congress.  Of course, it is difficult to speak with members of congress when you are constantly traveling across the country for your reelection campaign.

Herman Cain Becomes GOP Frontrunner in Latest Poll

Photo by John Trainor

Captain Underdog, Herman Cain, rises from obscurity to top of the GOP presidential candidates according to the latest poll by NBC News and the Wall Street Journal.  It remains to be seen if he can hold his lead, but his success has drawn the ire of the establishment black community.  Apparently, Cornel West and Harry Belafonte have never seen a black man who wasn’t a victim.  Moreover, Cain’s success and conservatism has prompted some in the black community to label him an “oreo.”  This doubly racist label is intended to deride Cain for being “black on the outside, but white on the inside;” that’s in contrast to Barak Obama who is just white on his mother’s side.

African Antelope Tackles Mountain Biker

In an online video-gone-viral, an antelope is seen tackling a mountain biker during a bike race.  Although the details are sketchy, it is suspected that the antelope was hired by PETA to provide footage for their latest over-the-top ad campaign following in the footsteps of their now infamous “Save the Whales” and “Payback is Hell – Go Vegan” campaigns.  PETA is well known for reaching beyond social norms in efforts to promote eating habits that are motivated by their lack of ability to distinguish between animals and humans.

Several U.S. Cities Discover Voids in their Downtown Areas

Across the country several cities have discovered voids in their downtowns.  Thankfully, they are only intellectual voids caused by the vacuous intellect of the self-named “Occupy” protestors.  After a month of occupying Wall Street in New York, the protestors are yet to offer a cohesive message; although hatred of large corporations and a masochistic love of totalitarian government and welfare society appear to be common themes.  Lacking anything concrete from the protestors, the following list may be a helpful summary:

Photo by David Shankbone

 1) Big corporations are bad – but their social media, smart phones, telecommunications networks, bullhorns, sleeping bags, tents, markers, cardboard, clothes, shoes, cameras, and food are okay to use for protesting against them.

 2)Millionaires shouldn’t have so much money – unless they are a celebrity supporting the protests in which case they’re cool.

 3)People who earn their money lawfully and don’t want to give more of it to the government are greedy – people who do nothing but want other people’s money are not greedy.

4)  Big banks that got bailed out are evil – big unions that got bailed out are good because they support the protests.

5)  Big corporations that lobby government officials to gain power are evil – democratic politicians who take that money to gain power and give government money to the same corporations are good because they support the protest

6) Democracy is apparently a process whereby no one is more important than anyone else (except the guy directing everyone else with a bullhorn), everyone repeats everything the one important guy says, and all decisions must be decided by unanimous vote.

The protestors, very many of whom are college students, are also doing an excellent job illustrating the decline in U.S. universities by virtue of their clear inability to formulate a logical or coherent message.  Their protests should be directed at their universities for charging insurmountable tuition while simultaneously draining their brains of reason; of course, their ultra-liberal professors already told them it was Wall Street’s fault.

In addition to other celebrity appearances, famed documentary filmmaker Michael Moore visited the protests.  It is not known if he will produce a new documentary about the protests but, if he does, it is sure to be a “Twilight Zone” meets “Pee Wee’s Playhouse” expose.


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