Giving Up on Conservatism

I give up. I'm tired of defending conservatism, so I've decided to give it up in favor of becoming a liberal.

Let's face it, being a modern liberal is a lot easier than defending the Constitution, social institutions, religion, or capitalism. It's also a lot easier to give in to an ideology where I no longer have to be responsible for my actions or my decisions, since, if they agree with liberalism, that is all that really matters. It's much easier to believe what I'm told to believe and to do what I'm told to do. Personal responsibility is so freeing. Plus, there are many benefits to becoming a liberal:

1) No matter how dumb I may sound, other liberals, and especially the media will never question my intelligence.

2) I can now claim group status with any oppressed group I want to, and gain government benefits and entitlements just by virtue of my claim. I can also say whatever I want to about my chosen group and be treated as if I were a spokesman, er, spokesperson for all. Anyone who disagrees with my status in the group is a racist.

3) I no longer have to give to charity, saving myself a lot of money in the process, as I can now just tell rich people to pay more taxes to support government programs that will benefit me. Hence, I can feel compassionate and superior without really having to do anything myself.

4) I can now take the moral high ground on every issue by telling anyone who disagrees with me that he or she is a racist.

5) I can now insult and demean people with impunity, refuse to hear or allow any dissenting argument, and still feel open minded. After all, everyone else but liberals are haters and don't deserve to be heard.

6) I'll now be able to rip on America for all of its injustices. I can feel free to burn its flag. I can demand reparations for other countries because of our long history of imperialism. And, best of all, I can still be more patriotic than anyone else.

7) I can start using abusive language, dropping the f-bomb into my everyday language, because being edgy is part of liberal culture. Besides, I've always wanted to get a good string of obscenities into my conversation, especially at school. Being liberal gives me the perfect opportunity to unleash my pent-up profanity.

8) I can ignore the Bible and insult religious people and still consider myself a Christian, because my God is completely loving and forgiving of everyone but those haters.

9) I'll now be extolled by my fellow liberals for my vast courage when I stand up in the middle of a group of us to say something that we all believe.

10) I'll be able to ride around in my private jet and own a mansion, all the while talking about how much everyone needs to cut down their carbon footprint, without being called a hypocrite.

11) I can make gobs of money in the entertainment industry (where I've always wanted to be) and travel around the country telling people how evil capitalism is.

12) I'll be able to call women sluts and whores, as long as they are conservative. All of my new feminist friends will also agree with me and applaud my courage.

13) I can now join several social movements and get excused from teaching classes in order to attend important rallies. I plan on protesting against KFC (because I never really liked eating there anyway), and, of course, I'll join the Occupy Wall Street group because corporate fat cats owe me for all the time I've worked and not gotten rich.

In short, I'm fed up with the government. I want my debts paid off. I want my healthcare for free. I want my pension paid out. The government just isn't doing enough to help me. So, I'm waving goodbye to conservatism in order to get my share. It's only fair, right?