WHAT A GUY !!!!

 

 

WHAT A GUY !!!!!!!

Some of you may recall that I wrote a weekly humor column (Letters from North America) for over 25 years for about 100 small newspapers around the country. From time to time, folks would send me articles and pieces of information.

This is my favorite of them all. This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU.

3A. In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you better, we ask you to answer the following question:

Are there any significant experiences you have had,  or any  accomplishments you have realized, that helped define you as a person?

I am a dynamic figure often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and God like trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up several inclines with unflagging speed. I cook 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water I once single handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of vicious army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of several documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban Hang-Gliding periods on Wednesday after school.  I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller #9 and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat 400.  My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week and when I do I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid. On weekends to let off steam I participate in full contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary 4 course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize winning clams. I have won bull fights in San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played hamlet, I have performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken to Elvis. But I have not gone to college.

He was accepted….

Have a good week…

 

See you next week….Peary Perry

 

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