ELDERLY LESSON #2

 

ELDERLY LESSON #2…

Last week’s elderly lesson about the hazards of eating whole pods of garlic should have been labeled as ‘elderly lesson #1’. Today’s blog should be #2. You may want to start saving these as I am certain there will be lots more in the future.

Those of you younger than me (83) will need these educational tidbits once you advance into the elderly stage of life, trust me on this.

When you were young you received all kinds of information on life from many different sources. Your parents, your teachers, your family and books like ‘Dick and Jane’. There was a plethora of information coming to you almost daily. “Don’t run, watch for cars, tie your shoelaces, brush your teeth, wash behind your ears, don’t forget to flush”. Those things.

But, dear reader, is there any source of information available to us, the older silent generation? No, nothing other than at the doctor’s office they always remind us ‘not to fall’. Dang, I knew that ever since I was 3 years old. I needed more. Where’s my 1-800 Hot line to help me with questions like: when to start social security? Why is the hair in my nose and ears growing so fast? How to avoid scams? How to adjust the text size on my phone?

This situation has caused me to feel marginalized, disenfranchised, oppressed, and suffering from microaggression episodes due to this great social injustice.

What caused all of this?

A bath.

In the tub.

You laugh, you scoff, but wait until you get to my age and are faced with taking a tub bath after about 50 years. Then you won’t laugh as hard.

Which is why I am offering my advice on this problem. There was no one to give me any instructions nor any government pamphlets or YouTube videos of the proper methods.

These instructions will be most helpful, save them. Remember to do as we did when diving, “plan the dive, dive the plan”.

#1. Fill the tub AFTER you get into it. I didn’t, so my chubby butt plopped in, about 20 gallons of water plopped out.

#2. Be careful of your head placement, I didn’t and hit my head against the wall and the towel rack bringing an immediate response from my ever-attentive wife who sees the large puddle of water on the floor and goes for the towels and mop. Her vigorous activity caused me to lose my train of thought and serenity, ceasing my plans of singing, humming and chanting.

#3. Plan your entrance in the correct position. I entered (plopped) with the pull up bar behind my head (see #2). This made the pull up bar totally useless. Which as you see from the next hint was a fatal flaw in my situation.

#4. Plan your exit. Obviously, this had never occurred to me, so once in, I was forced to consider how I was to exit. First, I drained the tub (see #1) and as I started to get cold, tried to extricate myself from a rather deep bathtub. This, my friends is not easy for someone over 200 lbs. and not in tip top shape. I have always considered myself to be a sleek seal, but I am looking at a cross between a walrus and a sea lion. I cannot maneuver my way out of this thing. My wife cannot pull me out, the pull up bar is behind me, I am wet and I am cold and I am naked. Did I mention that I am naked?

Now, I could call one of my neighbors but dismissed that thought. I could call my son but would have to hear about it for the rest of my life. I thought about just lying there until dark and calling the EMT’s and asking them to come without any red lights or siren, because probably I’ll never see them again.

Fortunately, my wife solved the problem and brought up a chair which I used to pull myself up and out of this terrible predicament.

So here are my final thoughts,

#5. Keep your phone handy, you might need it. Put a chair within reach.

#6. If you are alone, leave a door or window unlocked so the EMT’s don’t have to break into your house.

#7. Finally, keep a blanket close by, you might get cold if you choose to wait until dark for the EMT folks to save you.

Save this…see you next week…Peary Perry