Author’s Note: In a dedicated effort to both maximise hilarity and obtain the greatest possible degree of general ridicule, this article has been written in British English—otherwise known as “Bringlish”—and should be read using received pronunciation (or RP for short), preferably with the mental voice of Eric Idle.
Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Welcome again to another edition of, “Spot the Muslim”. Tonight, it’s our turn to visit the French capitol of Paris as we investigate the blind eye being given to large groups of Muslims going arse up in the street. So, it’s off to the otherwise charming 18th arrondissement as we find out more about bums in the air on Boulevard Barbès.
Our exclusive hidden camera footage definitely shows buttocks being boldly brandished by these bowing bastards, so lets consult with some authorities on the subject of how to break up this brazen botty boosting.
Our panel of experts tells us that solving the “Paris Problem” is really quite simple and merely involves taking a page from Islam’s own playbook. When Indonesia, the largest Muslim country on earth, feels obliged to deal with its own fidgety Islamic agitators, they turn to a lorry-mounted water cannon (or three), like this hulking bugger, the Manta Riot Control Vehicle.
A glance at the owner’s manual shows that it comes with, not only a 900-gallon main reservoir, but this charming little feature as well, a 35-gallon sub tank which can be used to dispense dyes and chemicals. Talk about painting the town red, wink, wink.
This armoured mobile unit can provide both crowd control and, with the help of dye injection, assist in pointing out principal participants, be it during riots, public assemblies of overly enthusiastic football fanatics or just an undesirable convocation of snivelling, beturbaned wife beaters.
First appearing during the 1930s in Germany, their proven popularity as a non-lethal police power tool has seen them used in far-flung scenic locales from Israel to Indonesia. These uniquely repurposed fire engines propel pressurised aqueous payloads for 200 feet or more and come factory equipped with such up to date amenities as touch screen automation and multi-axis joystick guidance.
If situations sour there are systems to suffuse teargas into the cannon’s output, complete with proportional mixture control. Although charged with controversy, there has even been research into an electrified water cannon that spews a conductive saline solution to deliver more jolt for the volt.
In what could just as easily be the basis for a jolly well eye pleasing five-colour map, foreign constabularies have displayed an occasionally ironic—and sometimes rather catty—sense of humour when making their individual choice of additive colourant, ha ha. In an exemplary case of understatement, when going after Gazan or West Bank terrorist demonstrations, Israeli patrols douse rock-flinging protestors with a vivid blue dye that, by amazing coincidence, just happens to match the precise hue used to portray their national flag’s Star of David. Rather insulting, I might say, but infinitely more restrained than Qassam rockets or bomb vests.
Ever the inventive ones, Israeli riot squads have come up with “Skunk”. This odoriferous compound has been described as having the combined, if not disputable, aromatic qualities of "rotting flesh, unwashed socks and a sewer". Colloquially referred to as the “crap cannon”, this pungent power-washer is used to flush out violent instigators and freshen up homes that harbour hostiles.
As they say, it couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch.
Stay tuned for our next segment, in which we explore the multihued spectrum of international riot management, if you dare!
And now a word from our sponsor, Mr. Brain’s Pork Faggots™!
[sotto voce] If that doesn’t put our Muslim viewers off their shreddies, bloody nothing will. [/sotto voce]
Welcome back and let’s have a big round of applause for our next virtual guest, the Amusing Planet Blog with their comprehensive and colourful catalogue of crowd control options. First up, Uganda!
Slowly sliding into an Islamic cesspit of their own making, the piss poor parliament of this poverty stricken East African pesthole recently entertained a legislative bill with the sensational, if somewhat ill-mannered, title of, “Kill All the Gays”. Rose tinted glasses were of no use as right-thinking citizens throughout the capitol city of Kampala demonstrated against this lethally discriminatory law only to find themselves permeated with pink pigment. Shades of Nazi Germany, I’d say. Fortunately for us, we all can remain safely unsurprised. I mean really, it’s not as if Muslims have ever found anything particularly objectionable about that irritatingly venomous little Teutonic Hun with the toothbrush moustache.
Let’s bundle off to Budapest where anti-red demonstrators commemorating the 50th anniversary of that city’s protest against Soviet occupation found themselves going a bit green at the gills after being blasted by police determined to derail their dissident display of disaffection.
Next up is quaint Kashmir where quarrelsome government employees get the royal treatment. In an unexpected commonality not seen since Gandhi apprenticed his solicitorship on the Dark Continent, Indian and South African coppers both display a peculiar affinity for the colour purple.
Not to be outdone, in what can only be described as the world’s largest open-aire spray tanning salon, South Korean constables made sure that protesters of an August 2008 visit by then American President George W. Bush came away with an appropriately summery flush.
So, there you have it. Like frogs take to water, the French should cordon off and take dye-laced water cannon to these gatherings of arse up Muslim wankers; then detain each and every bespattered one of them for illegal assembly, obstructing traffic, not to mention generally being the most monumentally annoying fecking shites ever.
Finally, once again we return to Indonesia for a last lingering look at what happens when the tanker lorries run dry. As is well known by now, not only do Muslims excel at doing the most possible harm to other Muslims, but Islam has a verschluginer fatwa for every last detail of human existence right down to exactly how much faecal matter is allowed to remain underneath one’s fingernails after defecating and performing istinja, the cleaning of a person’s body. Knowing this, daringly devious Indonesian riot police use their erstwhile emptied water cannon to deluge disruptive Muslim demonstrators with freshly pumped raw sewage. All of which makes the Israeli “Skunk” approach seem quite humane by comparison. Then again, we are sadly unable to report as to whether there is any distinct change in the overall body odor of these sand loving lamb eaters, but that’s for them to worry about and not us. Eh?
Be sure not to miss next week’s sensational programme, when we bring you exclusive coverage of a bird-brained poultry perpetrated animal rights protest that went horribly wrong at New York’s famed United Nations Plaza!
Goodnight, goodbye, thank-you-very-much and from all of us kafirs in the West to Muslims everywhere, anywhere and where-the-hell-ever you may be, please piss off permanently.
Tags: Muslims, France, Jihad, Monty Python, Dirty Rotten Paedophile Muslim Bastards, Riots, Crowd Control, Israel & Water Cannon. To share or post to your site, click on "Post Link". Please mention / link to the Patriot's Corner. Thanks!
1 comment:
Hilarious!
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